Why Cigarettes Really Are Good For You

They help you get the girl....

They make you feel young again....

They help separate fact from fiction....

The more you smoke, the more nice things you have....

They heighten romance....

They complement jewelry....

They bring families together....

Women behave provocatively when you smoke in front of them....

They're good for skin color....

M.A.S.H. Doctors use them to strengthen morale....

Smoking is friendly....

They bring out your individuality....

They aid in personal reflection....

They're a great pick-me-up during battlefield lulls....

They taste minty, not mediciney....

They are a great way to say I'm Sorry....

They epitomize Christmas cheer....

Wrestlers use them for that extra advantage in the ring....

They're dreamy....

They're round and firm; everyone likes that....

Girls gasp when you show how big they are....

They're pretty....

They double as nose rings....

You're favorite sports teams do better when you smoke....

President Reagan loved 'em....

They decrease air turbulence....

You sound sexier over the phone....

Science vouches for them....

Doctors know they're great for your T-Zone....

Santa carries them in his Toy Bag....

Children are enchanted by them....

They help women fit in better with their men....

John Wayne endorses them; what could be better than that?

Credit where credit is due: I took most of these ads from a very groovy design blog, WellMedicated. Check him out. But the pithy sayings are all mine....

The Fifty Things

01. Who was your last text from?
Silly Rabbit; Texts are for kids!

02. Where was your default picture taken?
Took it between the car and office, with my handy dandy Snap-O-Matic.

03. Your relationship status?
Oh-So-Happily-Married.

04. Have you ever lost a close friend?
Apparently not.

05. What is your current mood?
...cautiously upbeat?

06. How many siblings do you have?
A Big Brother, a Little Brother and a Little Sister.

07. What are your brother(s)/sister(s) names in birth order?
Jon, me, Tony, Tawnya. Tawnya's the girl.

08. Where do you wish you were right now?
Relaxing atop my money-pile.

09. Have a crazy side?
Um, once I met a guy with a crazy eye....

10. Ever had a near death experience?
I've been to an in-law Christmas party. Kind of the same thing.

11. Something you do a lot?
write... read... watch crappy movies. QUALITY crappy movies.

12. Angry at anyone?
Don't make me hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry!

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
She's all the way in the living room. It's a long walk.

14. When was the last time you cried?
When the bad guy got what he deserved on Law & Order. I know.

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?
Probably a lot of people i would do anything for.

16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
What do you sleep about when you're falling athink?

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My Sweet Paulie.

18. What is your favorite song?
No such thing. But right now I'm in a Neil Diamond mood.

19. What are you doing right now?
Wasting away what little free time I have.

20. Who do you trust right now?
What do you mean I don't trust people? It's funny that you would say that! Is there something wrong with that? Why is that something wrong to do? I don't understand that. Why are you pointing the finger at other people all the time? Why don't you point the finger at yourself?

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Well, there was this other shirt Tawnya got me as a present, but I didn't like it so I took it back and got one I did like. With Tawnya's blessing. She even gave me the receipt.

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week?
My Sweet Paula and my dog. She's a good kisser. So is Paula.

23. Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
Wife/Friend Paula.

24. Describe your life in one word?
Glatitastical. It means: Having the quality of Glatitast; referring to an event of Glatitastic proportion or significance.

25. Who are you thinking of right now?
Friend Angie in the hospital.

26. What should you be doing right now?
Don't you think "should" is overrated?

27. What are you listening to?
Dog snores.

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
My Hunny - we hugged each other.

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you?
Hmm. Probably my Hunny. Been awhile, though.

30. Do you act differently around the person you like?
She sometimes wishes I did.

31. What is your natural hair color?
Reddish brown

32. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Nook.

33. Who was the last person to make you sad?
Whoever came up with these questions.

34. What do you hear?
Veronica Mars from Hillary's room, the swamp cooler.

35. Is your hair curly or straight?
Straightish. Wavy when it gets longer. Big Bold Beautiful curls when it's super long.

36. Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
I call me scrumptious whilst lounging about in my leather undies....

37. Do you have a best friend?
A man can always hope....

38. Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
I held Paula's luscious... hands. Yes. I did.

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
OH I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT OLD TRICK AGAIN....

40. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Mmm. Changed for and from the gym in my car a few weeks ago.

41. Are you happy with life right now?
Yes, thank the Lord. I am.

42. Are you currently jealous?
Jealous of my beefcake self whenever I pass a mirror.

43. What jewelery are you currently wearing?
I'm jewelry-naked.

44. What were you doing on Friday night?
Uh. I think I might have been at an ice cream tasting party. It's possible. If not, I was watching a really cool movie about all these ants being possessed by an alien and waging war on humanity but all they really wanted was to be understood. I might've done both of those things on Friday.

45. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Only by you.

46. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Only yours.

47. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
My financial adviser. He might as well be a figment of my imagination, for all the good he does me.

48. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
Prescription refills.

49. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Like... ten thirty, cause by Wednesday my steam's startin' to run low.

50. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
I think about 6 months was the record before I tried my hand at marriage(s).